Here is one of the most important topics for the young men to learn from Torah.
How to choose a perfect wife? The most typical questions in this matter are answered by God personally in parsha Chayei Sarah (Deuteronomy 24:1-67):
- How to know the God’s opinion about a particular girl (if you are not a Prophet)?
- What are the most important traits to look for, that are high on the God’s priority list?
- Is external beauty important in the long run?
- How important is it that she be from the same people?
- Who is the best to make the choice? Parent? Trusted 3rd party? Myself personally?
- Who should compromise to meet the other’ lifestyle/location/family values? – Myself (groom)? Bride? Both? Should man be flexible to allow for relocation, whence a some change of lifestyle in order to join the chosen girl for wife?
- Should the girl have her parents agreement to the marriage?
- Should the girl be expected to change her commitment to her parents once she is married?
- Why in the world the young perfect wife becomes barren? Can anything be done to make sure that the children are born to the new family?
- When individuals don’t know each other yet, where does the trust come from for such a heavy commitment as marriage?
- Does it matter that the chosen girl be a virgin?
- How about pre-marital sex?
- How about the age differences between groom and bride?
The Answers:
How to know the God’s opinion about a particular girl (if you are not a Prophet)?
This is the main question to get the answer. The story of Avraham’s servant Eliezer getting the confirmation from God is one 0f the most detail descriptions provided in Torah.
When Eliezer reached the place (Aram Naharaim) he was facing the dilemma – the responsibility to fulfill his oath to his master in the midst of the obvious inability to control natural life happenings – how does he know how to find the girl? How to identify her? How to persuade her (after all he is only working on behalf of another party who is not even present here)… Without supernatural such task cannot be accomplished. So…
“he prayed, “Lord, God of my master Abraham, make me successful today, and show kindness to my master Abraham. 13 See, I am standing beside this spring, and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water. 14 May it be that when I say to a young woman, ‘Please let down your jar that I may have a drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too’—let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master.” (Deuteronomy 24:12-14)
Eliezer does not hear Voice of God, he is not a Prophet, but the simplest method of all – direct communication with God, where the response comes in the follow up events happening on the ground, – available to all sincere people. If he can do it, we certainly can too. The result can be only perceived as miraculous:
“Before he had finished praying, Rebekah came out with her jar on her shoulder. She was the daughter of Bethuel son of Milkah, who was the wife of Abraham’s brother Nahor. 16 The woman was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever slept with her. She went down to the spring, filled her jar and came up again.
17 The servant hurried to meet her and said, “Please give me a little water from your jar.”
18 “Drink, my lord,” she said, and quickly lowered the jar to her hands and gave him a drink.
19 After she had given him a drink, she said, “I’ll draw water for your camels too, until they have had enough to drink.” 20 So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough, ran back to the well to draw more water, and drew enough for all his camels. 21 Without saying a word, the man watched her closely to learn whether or not the Lord had made his journey successful.” (Deuteronomy 24:15-21)
“The man watched closely to find out whether or not God had made his journey successful…” -the prayer/request has been made, followed by the witness-like observation of the unfolding events looking for the response from God. The response was obvious, clear and bold!
So the answer to this paragraph question is – just ask for a meaningful sign as a pointer from God and watch for the answer!
What are the most important traits to look for, that are high on the God’s priority list?
The first things we learned about Rebekah were the following
– despite young age and despite growing in the family with many riches – slaves and cattle – yet, her commitment to a hard labor (drawing /carrying water and taking care of the animals) serving her family
– her kindness and compassion for the strangers in need, her commitment to help. Point to think about is the value of the water from one well in the desert serving the family cattle, especially the amount needed to satisfy the caravan of the strangers – 10 camels and all the people in caravan.
– unshakable commitment to her new family, to the groom (she had not being seen yet), to the point being ready for a long and dangerous trip through the desert to meet her groom. And at the same time this commitment means – she will never see her parents and siblings again… Commitment to change her lifestyle, her family for a new … mostly unknown… Isn’t this a madness? What is the basis for such a trust? The answer to this is also given in the scripture … see answer to the question #10 below.
Is external beauty important in the long run?
Important or not – it is just given:
“The woman was very beautiful appearance” (Deuteronomy 24:16)
And so were Sarah and Leah and Rachel. So beauty, which touches the heart (not necessarily matching the society mainstream standards), should be expected. After all, God wants you to experience Love. But what is the beauty which touches the heart, if it is not necessarily matching the modern day standards? This cannot be defined in words but solely based on the one’s refining the intuitive faculties.
How important is it that she be from the same people?
Important enough for Abraham to request that his servant did not take the wife for Isaac from the Canaanites, instead traveling hundreds of miles to his native place to bring the girl born to family of his brother.
But not important enough to allow Isaac to be taken back to Aram Naharaim (this would be to insure that the girl will agree to join with Issac), if the mission of his servant fails… Meaning that not important enough to change the lifestyle and location.
Who is the best to make the choice? Parent? Trusted 3rd party? Myself personally?
Here it was the trusted 3rd party instructed by the parent – Abraham. In case of Jacob – he himself did the “bidding” based on the instructions from his mother Rebekah. Apparently who makes the choice or who “orchestrates” finding the bride is not that important. What is important – matching the heart requirements with God (see above questions 1 and 2)
Who should compromise to meet the other’ lifestyle/location/family values? – Myself (groom)? Bride? Both? Should man be flexible to allow for relocation, whence a some change of lifestyle in order to join the chosen girl for wife?
The story is clear here – Isaac suppose to stay where he lives and not change his lifestyle. Rebekah surely committed to a big change in her life. But isn’t it just a case circumstance within a particular family life? No, Abraham, the Prophet, clearly forbade his son to move away even in case if the mission of his servant fails. What if a man is not member of the family of the Prophet? This brings us to the much discussed modern topic of the equality of the sexes in family lives. We will make it short and clear.
In all Bible stories it is a man who is founding the ideological foundation for a new family. His lifestyle and residence always established by the time he gets married. No matter how much the topic of the equality or the “sameness” between the sexes discussed, it is never happens that … a man gives birth to a child. It did not happen in the past, it still does not happen today. So is with wife joining the family of husband and not the opposite true today as it was in the past… Equality is in the value of the man and woman before God, their value in relation to a whole of Creation, but not in their functionality.
Should the girl have her parents agreement to the marriage?
Yes. Eliezer did his bid for the girl for his master directly to the parents of the girl. This servant strictly followed the directions of his master Abraham. It is only after this bidding succeeded, he (they all) asked the girl. Similarly was with Jacob who asked for the girl from her father Lavan. This preserves the respect of the parents before the follow up detachment of the girl from her family as a result of the marriage.
Should the girl be expected to change her commitment to her parents once she is married?
Yes. Girl detaches from her family to establish a new one and this detachment is quite dramatic – for the rest of their lives as told in the story of Rebekah and Isaac.
Amendment for the modern days – in the ancient times any compromises were not possible – no easy transportation, not communications… Yet today the detachment does not have to be so dramatic due to new technologies allowing daughter to see her parents and to talk to them without need to travel. Nevertheless we are learning here that a complete commitment to the highest degree God expects from a woman is to her new family.
Why in the world the young perfect wife becomes barren? Can anything be done to make sure that the children are born to the new family?
The secret answering this question lies in the following quote:
“Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. God answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.” (Deuteronomy 25:21)
“God answered his prayers”. This is the secret. They could have asked earlier… Why didn’t they?
Understanding the human psyche leads to understanding of this problem. As torah says, Rebekah was a beautiful woman. Isaac loved her very much as story goes. His passion narrowed the focus of man’s mind to the feminine nature of a woman – her body, blurring all other aspects of life/existence – the purpose of life, the purpose of the family from the Divine prospective. Narrowed mind lacks the large state of awareness which is necessary to fulfill the purpose of Creation. So, God has a “fix” for that – he makes the beautiful woman’s body barren or , in other words, not fulfilling her bodily main function. This brings their attention to the fact that child’s birth is in the God’s hands. So, they bring back their attention to where it is due – to God. He surely “hears” and brings forward a newborn…
The lesson? – Always keep the widest awareness of the Reality – the Purpose of the Divine Creation – the Source of it – the God. Enjoy a beautiful body of your God-given wife but don’t “loose” your mind to it to the expense of a complete Life awareness … don’t forget the Giver…
When individuals don’t know each other yet, where does the trust come from for such a heavy commitment as a marriage?
The trust comes from having God’s endorsement to the candidate. Both parties – Eliezer, representing his master Isaac, and Rebekah with her family, knew that God made the whole affair. Knowing God’s opinion makes the mind run deep and detail speculations about him/her unnecessary. Divine source, when experienced directly, makes a shortcut to the decision making and makes the life changing commitment quick and kind of easy. Without Divine endorsement such commitment would not be possible or otherwise would be indeed a sign of craziness. In larger scope – If God is consulted in the decision making, there is insurance of a life-long marriage … and beyond. If God is not a party to the decision making – you are playing your own game…
“A house and riches one inherits from forefathers, but an intelligent woman comes from God” (Proverbs 19:14)
Does it matter that the chosen girl be a virgin?
“The woman was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever slept with her.” (Deuteronomy 24:16)
Apparently Torah is quite specific in highlighting this feature. If it were not important, this would not be mentioned. Yet this does not mean that it was in a form of a requirement for marriage. The only such requirements came for the Kohanim – the priest. But similar to another “not mandated but granted” feature of the girl who God chose for his favorites – the beautiful appearance, this is another God’s “favor” for those who walk their life path with Him…
How about pre-marital sex?
There is no such thing in Torah. Sex (aside from prostitution) meant marriage in Torah. This is clearly pointed out in the Divine commandment regarding the rape. Man was obligated to marry his victim and that meant that even forceful sex considered as entering marital relationships which had to be formalized by official marriage. As another example consider story of Jacob who did not approach his chosen bride Rachel for 7 years while committed to pay off for her to her father by his labor.
How about the age differences between groom and bride?
Jacob was 40 years old when he married Rebekah. We don’t know exactly the age of Rebekah but her description – being of such appearance that prompted Eliezer to ask her a question “Who’s daughter are you?” (would you ask 40 year old woman such a question?) points to the young girl quite younger than Jacob. Sarah was 10 years younger than Abraham. Many Bible stories point out the younger age of the woman compared to the man who chooses her, such as the story of Boaz and Ruth in the book of Ruth.
